Getting there….

Getting there....

In just a couple of days, I will be celebrating yet another uneventful birthday. With all the things that has happened in my life, failure after failure, tragedy after tragedy, I should be thankful I am still alive and should be seizing the day because God has granted me a second lease on life.

I wonder could it be just “pre-birthday blues” that hit me, that should explain why I feel so alone? Is it just that, or this nagging feeling of being a perfect mother, daughter, sister, and friend has given me unwanted anxiety (lots of it)? This happens every year when I realize I’m getting older but seeing things not happening as it should be. I am tired, really tired of knowing my worth and making a difference in this world.

When I think about the dreams that I have, the goals I want to achieve, and the life I want to have, I feel that I’m totally way out of getting to that part yet. Way, way out. So I guess these are just hormones speaking, hopefully. Yes, totally!

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Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran

Two of my favorites, Ed Sheeran and VD!! I just can’t get enough of this song.

Chinese Bamboo

Chinese Bamboo

I have been reading Paulo Coehlo’s Aleph for the past few weeks, though it always ends up in the shelves and I only get to page 79 because I was too busy to read or I am perplexed by the the profoundness of the book. I wanted to decipher each and every page of the book and understand what he wants his readers to realize at the end of each day, so it’s taking me time to finish it. Excuses, excuses! 😀

However, one thing that impressed me was a mention of the Chinese bamboo. It is said there that when a seed is sown, growth does not manifest until at the end of its 5th year, weird, isn’t it?

All the work takes place underground, where a complex root system reaching upward and outward is being established.

After 5 long tedious years, the bamboo suddenly shoots up to 25 meters! That for me is just amazing. I can’t help but reflect and ask myself, am I like that Chinese bamboo? Am I working inside the deepest recesses of my soul, feeding it with the words of Christ, doing his work by doing service to my fellowmen?

Just like the bamboo, am I doing my job in perfecting myself and deal with the complex root system of my pride, selfishness, and greed to come out victorious? And do I keep myself resilient at every blow of the wind and pouring of the rain, or even withstand the scorching heat of the sun?

I still have a lot of things to do, I always tell myself I am a work in progress. It may not take 5 years for me to shoot up to my fullest potential, I even think it would take a lifetime. I know I will be fighting more battles, I also know for a fact that I will win some and lose some.  But the most important thing is I am doing something to make my life worthwhile and I’m hopeful for each day, and grateful for the many blessings I have in my life right now. Well, until then.

journey to 30

I have been struggling with my weight for quite some time, in fact it has always been part of my “New Year’s Resolution” every year to burn those fats stored inside my body. Yup, and I’m already counting years since I started doing that, say, 6 years? Oh yes! it has been that long and I’m sick and tired of it because as it turned out, my yearly resolution seems to be just on papers and was never realized. Truth is, I am at my heaviest today than when I was pregnant with my babies then.

Now at 33, I want to do so many things, accomplish goals, try uncharted waters, and ultimately become a better ME. I am tired of looking at the mirror and feel sorry about myself, I am tired of not being able to fit in gorgeous dresses because it’s either too expensive or there are no sizes available for my body shape. I’m also tired of hearing people’s comments about my weight and how I went really big and that I should lose some weight. I’m tired of that.

I went through a lot in life, witnessed how my personal relationship failed and almost instantly found food as my solace, if there is a thing like that. However, it came to a point where I felt the need to change my perspective. I realized I am not getting any younger and my kids are still very young, and thinking that I’d die early and not witness my son and daughter’s graduation, wedding, and all the important events in their lives makes me really sad.

So I made a pact with myself and a very close friend who has the same dilemma as mine to takes matters into our hands. We’re going to burn those fats, live healthy and happier. That’s the goal.

They say it’s always fun to have somebody with you on a journey….and I call this a journey to 30… 30 being my target waist line…Yeah, I’m reasonable too, you know! 😀

I know it’s a tall feat but I’m almost certain that I can do this. 

Trip down memory lane. Notice the difference? :p

just recently

last year

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2 years ago

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dec 2010

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2009

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dec 2009

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2008

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2008

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2007

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dec 2007

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1995

(summer of 2013 – hahaha! libre ang mangarap)

to dream is to live life’s full potential

Independence Day

Yeah I know that’s barely 3 months from now, but I got my freedom earlier than expected.

I have to thank Rey, my friend who is currently based in Cebu for making that short trip “lighter” than I imagined. Riding a plane was never easy for me, going there was a bumpy ride with turbulence along the way, but it was okay. What really made it heavy was the thought that it’s going to be the day that will change my whole life forever.

When I arrived, memories swarmed me like it was just yesterday when we had a chance to live on our own as a couple in Cebu. It was the first trimester of our journey of being a couple, got married in March 2004, and there we were trying to start anew in a land where we only knew and got each other. Got myself in one of the few call centers at that time and making it to the Top 50 was an achievement in itelf. It was also there where we had our first born Mikki, and the promise of having a beautiful family was to me…somewhat a reality, within reach.

The taxi driver said we’re at I.T. Park already, and meter says it’s Php250 so I gave him Php500, but he doesn’t have change and he only has Php200 for change. So, I said okay, you can have the Php50. Talk about starting the day right, huh?! Good thing Rey, a dear friend of mine was there to welcome me, and I was so glad that he’s willing to be my guide and companion even for that day only.

The US Consular Agency was just a few meters walk from the I.T. Park but getting there seems to be just dragging, I had qualms, was thinking if I had to do it, or would it matter if I didn’t sign at all. But there were things that I found out that made me feel good about the precedented event. Traces of cheating and betrayal were happening even before he called it quits, series of pathetic lies came very clear to me as if I was counting each single lie he has made and mattered all just for one second.

So there, after an hour, I came out free as a bird from the US Consular Agency. Free from all the deceit, the unkind words, and from a person who has never loved me at all. Because if he does, he would have never done all those things to his family.

I wondered if he was ever true to me all our 9 years, including 3 years of steady dating. I don’t know, I rest that to the memories we shared.

But I’m looking forward to a beautiful beginning with my kids, to be the best mother that I will ever be, if I can’t be the best wife. 🙂 Do I still see my self with another man someday? Honestly, yes. I still would want to have somebody who will love me unconditionally, would still love to have somebody who will hug and kiss me and care for me too.

Yep, I’d still want that, that’d be great! But I realized that would be far from happening right now ‘coz if you try to look at it, it’s a package deal already! Buy 1, Take 2…So that would make it harder, but I’m wishing, hoping, that I still deserve that blessing and opportunity to love again.

And yes, it was the divorce papers he so long wanted for me to sign. It was Independence Day of sorts, but I have him to thank…I am free from having to deal with a person who has too many hang-ups in life and one person who doesn’t deserve my love. I’m going to seize each day as it comes, savor it like it’s the last, and love it like there’s no tomorrow!

P.S.

Went back to CdO later in that afternoon, so it’s better to say I kissed Cebu goodbye on Hearts Day. Thanks to Villa for the halo-halo and the short sweet talk that we had, it has made goodbyes bitter sweet. I felt the love and if only for that, my 8 hours stay in Cebu was worth remembering.

Right now, my playlist only plays 3 songs, Try It On My Own by Whitney Houston, Just The Way You Are, (which happens to be my Andre’s fave song) and We Are The World (Ate Mikki’s graduation song).

I hope that by these songs, there’d be total healing within my heart, and a life full of love and joy for my kids. C’est la vie

Something New In My Life

a peaceful me someday2010 will soon be over and another year will be unfolded. If I try to look back on how my 2010 has become, I can’t help but thank the Lord above for giving me courage to outshine through the very hard days and months of my life.

Being courageous is when you feel what’s inside you and acknowledging your feelings, and knowing what kind of dealings it entails. I became aware of how to deal with my emotions and never lie to myself. I laugh when I want to laugh, and cry when I want to cry. Makes me an insane person but hey, once in our lives we have to be insane in order to keep the sanity in us.

Surely, there will be a lot of people and things to thank for; my kids, my family, my friends in church, sr7d, work, and everybody who has become imperative in getting a hold of my crumbling emotions. These, amongst all other things has made me what I am today.

I became more courageous and not strong, because being strong means that I am not affected by the pain and by what’s happening around me. I don’t want to see myself so strong and fall apart at the end. I thank my friends for allowing me to cry when I want to just cry myself a river. And cheered on me when I said that I’m moving on.

I am a work in progress and I still feel so alone at times but I am comforted by the thought that I have supportive friends, an understanding family, and loving kids to lean on when insanity strikes. One thing’s for sure it does not come very often just to give them an assurance. 🙂

I hope to have a very good year ahead and pray that 2011 will bring much love and happiness to me and the kids. I also pray that all the innermost cobwebs in my heart will be taken out and have a renewed life.

Starting fresh, starting it right!

I’m going to Boracay!

Yep! Want to come with me?

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3 Days / 2 Nights – Le Soleil de Boracay Hotel

Enjoy this staying at this luxury resort in Boracay located in station 2 where all of the party action is. Le Soleil de Boracay hotel specializing in pampering their guest with beautiful rooms, delicious food, and excellent service from their professional staff.

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The Future of Virtual Income

The Future of Virtual Income

I have searched and gone beyond all of World Wide Web’s offer for online jobs, oDesk, Elance, and just everything that I can encounter in the Internet. Online jobs are a fad nowadays, in fact it’s fast becoming a trend and I really think it’s here to stay. From SEO, to link building, article writing, virtual assistant, to customer service representatives, you could actually look for a job that suits your capability.

I am just so amazed at the possibility of doing the one thing that I really love and at the same time make monetary conversions. Well, isn’t that quite exciting too?

I’m taking a plunge into this, and I hope I will not be drowned by it. I would like to enjoy my life outside the virtual world but keep myself abreast of what it has to offer.

Resilience

It’s been strange nowadays. I felt this for like a week now. I don’t know if it’s healthy but I don’t seem to be crying my butt off anymore. It’s not that I want to wallow in pity but it’s just been two months since the storm started.

I wonder, can somebody move on that easily and gracefully?

56 days and counting…..

It’s been quite a ride since May 17…and it was one heck of a ride, if I must say…I knew life would never be easy, but I never expected, even in my wildest dreams that this thing could happen to me. What with the promises and covenants we’ve made with the Lord.

I tried so hard to keep him from changing his mind…maybe even stop him from falling hardly in love with another girl…

The words were just so harsh…And even though I deleted everything, the words just keeps on running across my mind. If there was another way to undo it…

I am appalled by how quickly things turned out…But Heavenly Father with all His power and grace has plans for me…that I know for sure.

So I’ll keep waiting until He will grant my heart’s desires…I just want to move forward courageously…steadfast and at peace with myself…

tinker bell

mikki has always wanted barbie dolls, slippers, dress, shoes…name it, she has all the barbie stuff a little girl wants.however, things have changed a little bit…for now, that is….

it’s been two months now that she has been repeatedly watching “tinker bell, the movie”. at first it was a help, what more with piling laundry and a house to clean. but then i was wondering, how could a 4-year-old girl watch a movie, every single day of her life for straight 2 months now. well, to top it all…tinker bell is cute, bubbly, and charming. these might be the reasons why little girls love her.

then one day, I decided to watch it together with my kids. well, Andre got bored eventually since it was a girl thing actually…and I liked it!  it was a movie for everybody in fact.

it simply showed how in Pixie Hollow, fairies have their own distinct character and personality…more like how humans thrive to accept the harsh truth about one’s capability. what I like most was the part where she was given a choice for a talent. for me, it was so symbolical, quite the same as how our Heavenly Father gave us a choice in this world and yet He knows what’s best for us. she wanted the so-called sophisticated talents; making flowers grow, giving fireflies their light or tracing beautiful patterns into a winter morning’s frost, but “tink” thinks she has a less special talent. so she went out  to train her way to becoming an exceptionally talented fairy.

it ended up in a disaster, making it heartbreaking… but then as all movie tries to impart a lesson, she eventually learn to love and harness the talent. being a tinker bell is not so bad at all.

then a realization came, like tink, i have always wanted to become a career woman. 8am to 5pm job, accept calls, pass reports, lunch break, go home and spend time with kids. that’s how i see my life 10 years ago. however, God has a lot more challenging job for me to do….a doting mom. it feels so good that i have a lot of talent to share to my children, and i hope to be able to mold them into the kind of people this world needs. God-fearing, loving and goal oriented.

i have loved my life as a stay at home mom. embracing it with open arms and wholeheartedly accepts my role in this world. rewards come when at the end of the day they thank you for the things you do for them.

mikki’s watching it…again for the nth time. but i don’t mind, she loves tinker bell stuff now…move away barbie doll! tinker bell mania, here she comes!